GONE FISHIN' (Translation: "Gone Drinkin'")

Memorial Day weekend has arrived, and with it comes... what, exactly? Summer's technically a month away. Prom and graduation no longer have any real significance. MoMA employees don't get summer hours. So really it's just a three day weekend diring which we're all supposed to be remembering... something.

Whatever. I'm going fishing in the Catskill mountains. Here's the plan: Beer, beer, fishing, poker, nap, hot dog, read, beer, whiskey, nap, fishing, beer, poker, whiskey, nap, bacon, beer. Rinse and repeat.

Have a great weekend.

Our Band Could Be Your Life...or something like that.

Bands -- musicians -- are funny, in both the "ha-ha" sense and the "strange" sense. Their arrogance can be overwhelming. Take the following NME headline, for example: "Radiohead star campaigns for climate change." Oh right, Mr. Thom Yorke. I'm sure Mother Nature is just falling all over herself to make England a little less dreary. Yeah, God really liked The Bends and he's going to try his damnedest to swap Oxford's climate for Miami's. Time to get over yourself, Mr. Rock Star!! I didn't read the article, but I think that headline says it all.

The Stone Roses are stirring up reunion rumors...again. Hey guys, remember your last album, Second Coming? Well we do. Please do not reunite.

From the No Respect for the Dead department, reality-show douchebag producer Mark Burnett is bringing Rock Star: INXS to CBS. That's right, they're searching the globe for a fitting replacement for Michael Hutchence, but in the extra-classy reality-show format. And if that isn't classy enough for you, Mr. Classy himself, Dave Navarro, is acting as host (along with "TV personality" Brooke Burke... I've never heard of her either.). If that doesn't make you wanna hang yourself while feverishly masturbating, nothing will.

I am not the world's biggest Sasha Frere Jones fan. First of all, it's hard to take anyone with a name like that seriously. And his general air of über-pretentiousness is profoundly nauseating. Being the "Pop Music Critic" at The New Yorker pretty much makes you a windbag no matter what you write, but his determination to act the part of taste purveyor, pathological over-complicator, and teacher of affluent white people about "colored people music" is plain old obnoxious. Which is why I'm surprised to find myself genuinely impressed by his recent stand against "listening parties" for critics. [link via BoingBoing] His point, in a nutshell, is that if you won't send him a CD, mp3, or hunk of wax, he won't review the record. As a former music critic, I have to say it's a fairly brave (if pompous) position to take. Of course, the flipside is that he may just end up liking life a lot more, as he likely won't have as many shitty major-label albums to listen to. Anyway. Just thought it was kinda cool.

Moving on...

Two last things. First of all, these two articles make one wonder just how powerful the dark side really is. No, they just make one wonder just how stupid some Star Wars fans can be.

Conan O'Brien's eerie glimpse into the future of TV is very funny. The mention of "abacus porn" alone is worth the effort it takes to put the little hand on the link and click down with the mouse.

Phil Spector: "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"

How can this man possibly be guilty of murder? He is obviously the very picture of stability. Phil, baby, are you trying to go to jail?

Really, are you suprised that everything has gone a little pear-shaped for Phil? First off, that kind of genius just isn't normal. The guy was a millionaire at twenty-one, and had basically flamed out of the business before turning thirty. (After his absolutely brilliant work on Ike and Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High" yielded a commercial flop, he turned his back on the industry and became something of a recluse.) He had always been known as an "erratic" fellow, but by the time he was doing work with Leonard Cohen and the Ramones in the 1970s and '80s he was pretty far gone. He fired a gun in the studio while working with John Lennon in 1970, chased Cohen around the studio with a loaded crossbow(!!), and (according to Dee Dee Ramone, anyway) threatened to shoot the Ramones during the End of the Century sessions.

So, to sum up, Phil has always had a bit of a "shooting people" problem.

[Special thanks to our Legal Counsel for sending this picture over. It's ironic that he should be the one to send it... since I must be violating some copyright laws by posting it here. Is there such a thing as contributing to the delinquency of a blogger?]

**TRAGEDY UPDATE** Thurl Ravenscroft, best known as the voice behind Tony the Tiger and the "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" song, has died.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Although the mere mention of the new Star Wars film on a blog is grounds for exile to the nearest comic book convention, a few brief comments are called for nonetheless. First off, it does, for the most part, redeem the plodding dialogue, utter lack of chemistry, and general shittiness of the previous two films. Second, far greater amounts of pot will be required for the next viewing. Third, Darth Vader's big moment may be the most unintentionally hilarious moment in cinematic history. Seriously... I won't spoil it for anyone, but I have been reenacting that scene for the last three days. [Also, although it is too harsh by half, you should check out Anthony Lane's review in the May 23 issue of The New Yorker if you can.]

The Gang of Four show last Wednesday was friggin' terriffic. For the big percussion sound on "He'd Send in the Army," Jon King spent four and a half minutes beating the crap out of a microwave with an aluminum baseball bat. "Damaged Goods," "I Found that Essence Rare," and "To Hell with Poverty" were all huge crowd-killers as well. Not bad for a bunch of 50-year-old limeys.

P.S. If you're going to be in the New York metropolitan area on Saturday, June 11, please set that night aside for dancing your ass off. The Secret Squares will be spinning the "big room" at Rififi that night... big space, great sound, etc. More details (and of course a pretty flyer) to come.

Stupid Scientist No Make Sense

Silly scientist say e-mail make stupid. Me say him stupid! E-mail friend! Me e-mail all the time and me witty...urbane!! Me totally urbane. Went to number 918 best high school in country! Scientist say e-mail make stupider than smoke pot! That unpossible. Pot make sleepy, make laugh at Saved By the Bell and Scrubs.

Just last night went to smart art opening. Curator friend. Much conceptual art! Only hurt to think a little, though. Appreciated art in deep and meaningful way! Drank wine. Now head hurt.

Me say mister scientist stick to what you know: funny white coat, cuddly white mice, glass for making little things look like big things, and falsifying results to obtain lucrative government funding.

(Yes, me know similar in tone to this. You not outsmart me. Maybe you try turn criticism inward for change.)

Laonastes aenigmamus... Them's Good Eatin'!!

First off, just in case you've been living in a cave or a South African mental-health facility, Dave Chapelle has finally addressed his recent breakdown/overdose/free publicity gambit. His version? Not crazy, not on crack, just chillin'.

Kylie Minogue, Queen of the Guilty Pleasure and world-class cutie-patootie, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Why is this disease fucking with all the luscious Australian pop starlets? Wasn't Olivia Newton-John enough for you, breast cancer??

Bitchfo...er, Pitchfork asked David Cross to do a Top Ten list for them. Instead, he did a big "fuck you, Pitchfork," and they ate it up like the sad bitches they are.

Sony has unveiled the PlayStation 3. Apparently, you get shot with this blue laser that transports you directly into the game and it's you versus the evil CPU. Wait... no, I think that was TRON. Or Schindler's List. Damn, I can never keep those two straight.

A new species of rodent has been discovered... roasted in a market in Laos. You just can't make this shit up.

From the "Thank Christ that's over" department, Everybody Loves Raymond is off the air. Whew! Never again will I be forced to experience the heartbreak of choosing between Ray and 7th Heaven!! My Monday nights are now anguish-free.

Oh, by the way, I HAVE GANG OF FOUR TICKETS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT!! Your envy tastes like delicious nectar.

Music Dork Rampage!

IMing is a little dorky. Talking about iPods is moderately dorky. Playing iPod War over IM? You are king of the dorks. Today, the Secret Squares IM iPod War. Let the pathetic-ness begin. IM addresses have been changed to protect the one who has Pet Shop Boys on his iPod (just kidding). [iPod War link via Lindsayism]

Square #2 (10:57:54 AM): Wanna play iPod war today?
Square #2 (10:57:55 AM): http://www.kittenpants.org/bt/ipodwar.asp
SS #1 (10:59:50 AM): ha.
SS #1 (10:59:52 AM): 8. Counting Crows never wins.
Square #2 (11:00:00 AM): I know! So rad.
Square #2 (11:00:12 AM): (who has counting crows in their iPod???)
SS #1 (11:00:19 AM): certainly not I
Square #2 (11:00:30 AM): wanna play?
SS #1 (11:00:34 AM): sure
Square #2 (11:02:31 AM): song #1
SS #1 (11:07:14 AM): The Cure 'I'm Cold'
Square #2 (11:07:19 AM): "You May Get What You Deserve" by Big Star
SS #1 (11:07:34 AM): hmmm...
Square #2 (11:07:44 AM): I'm giving the Cure out of the gate the win on that one
SS #1 (11:07:49 AM): i agree
Square #2 (11:08:02 AM): (they shall weaken with time)
SS #1 (11:08:09 AM): Til Tuesday 'Voices Carry'
Square #2 (11:09:20 AM): Fugazi "Bulldog Front"
SS #1 (11:09:33 AM): nice
Square #2 (11:09:37 AM): ...which kicks Til Tuesday ass
Square #2 (11:13:06 AM): Song #3
SS #1 (11:14:49 AM): Alicia Keys, 'Karma'
Square #2 (11:15:03 AM): The Beatles, "Because"
SS #1 (11:15:33 AM): i suppose the Beatles trump Alicia quite easily
SS #1 (11:15:54 AM): though Karma is a very good song
SS #1 (11:16:02 AM): and alicia's way hotter than Ringo
Square #2 (11:16:18 AM): No way... Ringo is hott.
Square #2 (11:18:00 AM): Song #4
SS #1 (11:18:39 AM): Interpol 'Not Even Jail'
Square #2 (11:18:52 AM): The Shins, "Those to come"
Square #2 (11:18:58 AM): You kill that one!
SS #1 (11:18:59 AM): i got this one, dude
Square #2 (11:19:09 AM): 2 - 2
Square #2 (11:23:16 AM): Song #5 (I'll wait... I know "Not Even Jail" is like 6 minutres long)
SS #1 (11:23:27 AM): 44 secs left
SS #1 (11:24:23 AM): The Notorious B.I.G. 'Unbelievable'
SS #1 (11:24:49 AM): big up big poppa!
Square #2(11:24:57 AM): Black Flag, "Depression"
Square #2 (11:25:08 AM): rrraaarrr!
Square #2 (11:25:20 AM): Looks like Big Poppa.
SS #1 (11:25:42 AM): totally. biggie is almost untrumpable
Square #2 (11:26:02 AM): 3 -2 Tye
SS #1 (11:28:15 AM): song 5
SS #1 (11:28:26 AM): The Cure 'A Reflection'
SS #1 (11:28:40 AM): i can;lt believe the cure came up twice in the first 5 songs
SS #1 (11:28:57 AM): i have a stupid number of cure songs though
Square #2 (11:28:49 AM): Paralisis Permanente - "Quiero ser tu perro"
SS #1 (11:29:00 AM): lol. who???
Square #2 (11:29:06 AM): ("I Wanna Be Your Dog" in Spanish!!!)
SS #1 (11:29:10 AM): no way
Square #2 (11:29:24 AM): It's so fucking rad!!
SS #1 (11:29:59 AM): ok. 3-3
SS #1 (11:30:09 AM): ok, that was a short song for me.
SS #1 (11:30:14 AM): i'm aleady on 6.
SS #1 (11:30:25 AM): should i pause?
Square #2 (11:30:34 AM): No... song #6
Square #2 (11:30:54 AM): Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer"
SS #1 (11:31:01 AM): R.E.M. 'What's the Frequency, Kenneth?'
SS #1 (11:31:08 AM): damn
Square #2 (11:31:11 AM): Heads, no contest
Square #2 (11:31:30 AM): I do love that REM song, though
SS #1 (11:31:33 AM): me to
Square #2 (11:34:12 AM): Dude, we are dorks...
Square #2 (11:34:17 AM): ...but this is fun.
SS #1 (11:34:40 AM): hey, Secret Squres.. the name fits.
SS #1 (11:34:46 AM): song 7...
SS #1 (11:34:54 AM): Pet Shop Boys 'I Want a Dog'
SS #1 (11:35:08 AM): which is a great track
Square #2 (11:35:20 AM): Stevie Wonder, "Lately"
SS #1 (11:35:29 AM): oooh.
SS #1 (11:35:42 AM): dude, that's later Stevie though
Square #2 (11:35:54 AM): If it was a better song, I would say Stevie...
Square #2 (11:36:04 AM): ...but I'll give this one to Neil Tennant
SS #1 (11:36:16 AM): totally.
SS #1 (11:36:20 AM): are we 4-4 now?
Square #2 (11:36:23 AM): 4 - 4
Square #2 (11:38:09 AM): *sigh* This song is depressing
SS #1 (11:38:43 AM): I want a dog is... not.
Square #2 (11:38:48 AM): lol
Square #2 (11:39:09 AM): Song #9
SS #1 (11:39:33 AM): YES!
SS #1 (11:39:41 AM): GnR 'Nighttrain'
Square #2 (11:39:50 AM): You KILLED me!
Square #2 (11:40:08 AM): Jet, "Come Around Again"
SS #1 (11:40:18 AM): yes, that was a slaughter
Square #2 (11:40:26 AM): ouch
Square #2 (11:43:27 AM): okay... song #10
SS #1 (11:43:33 AM): oof.
SS #1 (11:43:41 AM): Junior Boys 'Last Exit'
SS #1 (11:43:50 AM): which is not bad, but no a way to follow up GnR
Square #2 (11:43:57 AM): The Jam, "Strange Town"!!
SS #1 (11:44:07 AM): yeah, that's all you
Square #2 (11:44:19 AM): but now we have a 5 - 5 tie.
Square #2 (11:44:33 AM): so song #11 is the tiebreaker
Square #2 (11:47:20 AM): song #11?
Square #2 (11:47:41 AM): Nico, "These Days"
SS #1 (11:47:57 AM): NIN, 'Something I Can Never Have'
Square #2 (11:48:05 AM): Fuck!!!!
SS #1 (11:48:13 AM): that's all Trent, dude
Square #2 (11:48:28 AM): Personally, I'd MUCH rather listen to the Nico song...
Square #2 (11:48:38 AM): ...buy Trent is always the winner in WAR
Square #2 (11:48:56 AM): Because he is mean and intense
SS #1 (11:48:58 AM): right, and i am going to see NIN tonight, so the timeliness gives it that extra oomph
Square #2 (11:49:06 AM): good point
Square #2 (11:49:55 AM): SS #1 wins in an edge-of-your-seat contest!

GONE DRINKIN'

I'm off to Miami for a long weekend of sun, swimming, and drinking. The usual hilarity and insightful social commentary may or may not resume upon my return next week.

In the meantime, I leave you with this deeply moving article.

¡Adios!

An Open Letter to Blogger

Dear Blogger,

I just lost a post that spent me an hour to write for no other reason than your shitty Mac interface. Please take a flying leap into a deep pool of fuck you.

Sincerely,

The Management

AP Odd News: Compelling Arguments for Mass Sterilization? You Be the Judge.

Along the same lines as its younger, more sensational cousin, the Darwin Awards, Yahoo's Associated Press/Reuters Odd News is typically among the day's highlights. By turns touching, disgusting, depressing, and hilarious, these offbeat nuggets comprise a telling cross-section of earthly folly and oddity. It's the Human Comedy, writ large. The people who write these stories, by the way, are fucking geniuses. The headlines alone are worth the preice of admission (which is totally free anyway).

You can pursue these stories as you see fit, but I've grabbed some representative phrases, headlines, etc. Let's take a look at some of today's gems, shall we?

"An Indian man who left his wife and two young children two years ago shocked his family when he returned home as an eunuch, wearing garish red lipstick."

"President Bush joked about hosting the White House Cinco de Mayo party on Wednesday, May 4, saying, 'Next year I'm going to have to work on my math.'" Right. Joked.

"[Amal] Dorai, a student at the Massacussetts Institute of Technology, is hosting a Time Traveler Convention on campus this Saturday." Chances that a time traveller will show up at the party: one in a million. However, if one does show up, his/her message is likely to include the following: "Forty years from now, you will all still be virgins."

Headline of the day: 'Whore College' Offers Hands-On Training

"A woman identified by authorities as Denise Coke was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog discovered 33 pounds of cocaine in her vehicle." You just can't escape your destiny.

"The [penguins] will be released on a giant bingo board and allowed to waddle around. The numbers will be called whenever a bird, ahem, goes to the bathroom on a numbered square."

"...the two drivers got out and started an argument that ended with O'Neil allegedly pulling out a broadsword with a blade more than three feet long." The argument went something like this: "Do not pass the mighty O'Neil on the right! O'Neil is a level-ten warrior with berzerker powers and many hit points!" O'Neil would have slain the interloper, but he was running late for the Time Travellers Convention.

Riding the Bus with My Sister UPDATE: The best thing ever just got even better! TVGasm has posted an mp3 mash-up of Retarded Rosie dialogue and Pat O'Brien's infamous dirty voicemail message. I am definitely out of my league in the blogosphere.

DO YOU LIKE MARSHMALLOWS?????

OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD.... YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS! [Eternal gratitude to Brian The Designer]

Also, my sources' sources claim that the Dave Chapelle situation is dire indeed: crack. In addition to life rarely imitating art so seamlessly, I just think a real-life Tyrone Biggums sucking on the glass dick sounds like bullshit. I call sweeps publicity stunt. (and I'm looking right at you when I say that, Pat O'Brien!)

I Lost My Mind, Bitch!

The management refuses to speculate on the underlying situation, but the facts are these: Chapelle's Show has been unceremoniously shelved for the time being. Originally scheduled to begin its third season later this month, the show is now on vacation indefinitely. Apparently Dave Chapelle has been MIA from the set and writing sessions for weeks. The Season Two DVD will also be postponed, as its release was intended to coincide with the launch of the new season.

Stereogum is citing "word on the street" rumors that Chapelle has suffered a nervous breakdown. [Stereogum also provided a link to this diverting Rick James soundboard.]

Whatever the case... this sucks. I've been dying to get my hands on that DVD for months so I can watch the Prince edition of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories. [In the meantime, you can watch these here (.wmf).]


Game... Blouses.

Attention Americans: It Is Your Patriotic Duty to Masturbate this Month.

Apparently no one else shares my obsession with Hallmark Hall of Fame's Riding the Bus with My Sister. No one, that is, except TVGasm, who blogged the entire broadcast!!. So although I haven't actually seen this masterpiece, I could at least get a little taste. My deep hatred of Andie MacDowell (which is itself dwarfed only by my hatred of pathological squinter Helen Hunt) was thrilled by the hilarious pictures of her FUPA. Plus I laughed my ass off when I found out what a FUPA was.

On a more serious note, it is imperative that you check out POSTSECRET. Anonymous people send in found and homemade postcards upon which they reveal a huge personal secret. I never thought I could be so moved (read: depressed) by a Web site. It's definitely worth checking out... and you'll end up reading the entire thing.

By the way, welcome to May. While the weather still sucks, this month does give us other reasons to celebrate. Here are a few:

May is National Masturbation Month; Asian/Pacific American Heritage Month; Older Americans Month; Better Sleep Month; Modern Dance Month; National Arthritis Month; National Bike Month; National Hamburger Month; National Barbecue Month; National Salad Month (boo!); National Egg Month; National Salsa Month; National Military Appreciation Month; Mental Health Month; Asthma & Allergy Awareness Month; Better Hearing & Speech Month; Better Sleep Month; Breathe Easy Month; Correct Posture Month; Hepatitis Awareness Month; Huntington's Disease Awareness Month; National Arthritis Month; National Digestive Diseases Awareness Month; Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness Month; National Trauma Awareness Month; National Drinking Water Month; National High Blood Pressure Month; National Melanoma/Skin Cancer Detection & Prevention Month; National Neurofibromatosis Month; National Sight-Saving Month; National Physical Fitness and Sports Month; National Electrical Safety Month; National Historic Preservation Month; International Business Image Improvement Month; National Scholarship Month; National Prom Graduation Safety Month; Creative Beginnings Month; Family Support Month; Family Wellness Month; Freedom Shrine Month; Get Caught Reading Month; Haitian Heritage Month; Heal the Children Month; More Than Just A Pretty Face Month (??); Motorcycle Safety Month; National Good Car Keeping Month; National Shoes for Orphans Month; National Revise Your Work Schedule Month; Pilates Awareness Month; Prepare to Buy A Home Month; Smiles Month; Young Achievers Month; and National Foster Care Month.

PLEASE NOTE that it is National Masturbation Month and National Get Caught Reading Month, but it is NOT National Get Caught Masturbating Month!!

Another One Rides the Short Bus

If you TiVo'ed yesterday's tard-tastic made-for-TV Rosie O'Donnell movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister, please let me come over and watch before you erase it. PLEASE.